You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
