Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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