PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
