so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
