The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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