Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
