we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
