Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
