haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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