Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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