I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
