420 ftw
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
