I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
