If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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