im having a threesome with these popsicles
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
