I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
