I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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