Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
