Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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