My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
