Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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