Too much gin, very little bucket
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
