Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
