I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
