A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
