Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
