I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
