That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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