The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
