Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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