just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He has the fingertips of a God
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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