Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
