I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
