speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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