i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
