how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
jump out the window naked night went bad
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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