I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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