So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
