In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
