True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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