i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
