then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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