I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
In America we eat man semen.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
