my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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