there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
