you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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