did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
