the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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