we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
