There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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