I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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