I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
