Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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