my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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