Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
