I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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