don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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