Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
