I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
