I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
