btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
