ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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